My Dear Raven
by Lkirsten394
Summary: "Guess Suzie isn't real." Josh remembers everything, what will happen to him? Beating something that was supposed to work, but didn't. Being someone who wasn't supposed to know, but does. From worrying about exams and girls, he now has to worry about if he will be aloud to remember and if he will survive the next year. R&R please! Rated M for safty :
1. Suzie

I push myself to move forward, to keep running. I have been running for only a couple of months. After the second mile, my legs burn, and my lungs feel like they are about to burst out of my chest. I feel like my body is being stretched an innumerable sum of times. After that-after the pain I feel in my body-it just become easy. I go faster, farther, each time. But today, I can't make it to my second mile. I bend over and practically choke on my own coughs. I sit down on the curb of the road and rest my head on my knees. This slows my breathing down considerably even though my head throbs to such an amount that the whole world moves around me.  
It's the running. I know it's the running. In a few short months I have pushed myself harder than I have ever done before.  
I run for the exact opposite of some people on the track team. Some of them do it to clear their mind, or just for competition. I run to enhance my ability to look for things people may miss. After Cammie, I stopped trusting things that seem too good. I run to practice seeing things that aren't noticeable. I run to remember.  
I feel like there is this piece of my life I cannot remember and if I run I'll be able to catch the memory. Of course it is ridiculous. Ridiculous to such an extent where I actually make myself believe that I will find that memory if I run far enough.  
"Stop kidding yourself..." I whisper. Suddenly there is a voice at the back of my head.  
"Josh...government...secrecy..." the words are jumbled. Spinning like a pinwheel. I groan. I have to make it home, I smell rain in the air. Maybe-or for sure- I'll put running of for a couple of days. It's almost dinner time, and when I get home I'm eating extra servings. I get up and start to trudge back the way I came. Suddenly, my foot hits a loose brick in the road and I glance down. My heart squeezes and I feel sharp anger stab me in the chest.  
Without a thought as to what I am doing, I bend over to look under the brick. I wince as excruciating pain hits the back of my head.  
I come back up with a small piece of paper. My heart ebbs. Cameron and I. Our note system. Slowly, I unfold the dirt crusted, slightly damp piece of paper.

'Cammie, if your reading this...I miss you. That's all.  
-josh

P.s Spy or not.'

Frowning, I pocket the note and start to walk home.  
What does this mean? Spy or not? Did I write this? I'm sure I did, it's my handwriting. But I have no memory of it. None at all. Suddenly the whole world spins all around me and if my feet are on the ground I don't feel it. 'Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom.' My head throbs with each heartbeat.  
Again, I sit down, in the middle of the road. It comes as a relief to feel solid ground. I close my eyes and rest them on my knees. This helps, because I don't feel like I am spinning anymore. I get up when I hear a car rolling down the road. So I get up and move slowly.

After I am finally at the Pharmacy, my father is a half-hour until close up. I walk into the air conditioning and welcomed with icy relief.  
"Josh, what are you doing here?" my father asks.  
I wince as I make my way up to the counter.  
"Killer headache." I groan. I rest my head on the cold counter. It feels good but the small gesture kills me.  
"Here son, take these, they work really fast." he hands me two big blue and red pills and a bottle of water. "Oh, and DeeDee called."  
I take them and sit behind the counter and wait for the relief.

I ponder the mystery behind the note and the words I don't remember writing. I try to put the puzzle together about how I feel about Cammie. Honestly, I am more upset she admitted I was just a toy to her than anything else. Even the part where she lied to me about her whole life. I think of DeeDee, whom I have been dating since the beginning of the summer. DeeDee's sweet, beautiful and kind. But I feel like she's so transparent. Easily seen through, but hard to see. If that really makes sense.  
I sit there for ten minutes until I feel the slightest bit of relief.  
"Dad, I'm going to walk home." I say.  
"Are you sure? I just have to deal with these last few prescriptions then we can get out of here."  
"No, I'll be fine. See you at home." I wave good bye and start on home, because a few prescriptions will become more. I feel the slip of paper in my pocket and stare at my feet as my mind wanders to Cammie again. Or more, the note.  
Suddenly, I hear the voice again. Feel the pound in my head.  
"Woman...test...sp..." The last part is fuzzy and disoriented. The whole thing is fuzzy. Like when my dad is trying to find a good radio station in the car, and you can hear the distant voice of another radio station while you are also hearing a different station at the same time. It is sub-continuous and buried deep in my head.  
'Cameron...cameron...Cameron.'  
"Enough!" I whisper to myself. I rub my temple just as I hear footsteps. I turn.

My heart freezes and I hold my breath. It's Cammie.  
"Cammie?" I say, only noise does not come out, I just open my mouth and close it like a fish. She also freezes, standing in the shadows. I wouldn't have seen her. I would have just walked right by her. If I could. But I always see her, she's just that outstanding.  
She illuminates the shadows, a spark in the crowd, a tree in the desert. She's like a lake in the Sahara.  
"Cammie..." this time the words come out. I widen my eyes as I see what she's wearing. A school uniform with a Gallagher Girls badge over her heart.  
"Josh?"  
I have to push my anger back, to push all the doubt, pain and negativity away. I have to be polite. That's the least I can do.  
I begin to walk to her, fighting not to wince because my head ache is still fighting to stay.  
When I reach her, she still has not moved a bit.  
"Hey..." I start. Not knowing what else I can say.  
"H-hi." I can tell she's uncomfortable by the way she keeps trying to subtly looking around.  
"It's...it's good to see you. How are you?" Great. It's a start. Her eyes flicker to me for a couple moments before looking at her feet.  
"It's, well you know. Life is going on..." she sighs. "What about you, you look good." She gestures to my clothes. I look down, but before I do, I see her wince. I pretend not to notice because it would make her even more uncomfortable. The sun beats down on my back making sweat bead down my neck.  
"Yeah, I've been running." Talk. Talk. Talk. "So what are you doing here?"  
She turns her blue eyes to me, her hair blowing with the gust of wind.  
"It's a class thing," she stretches onto her toes for a second, and it looks like as if she's a bird wanting to take off, but if earth bound.  
I nod, and think, 'Im the bond between her and flight.'  
"Hey Cammie," I start. But have to idea how it's going to end. I have no idea.  
"Yeah?" she asks. Suddenly, the words are back.  
"Over a century ago...training..." they are clearer. More defined than last time.  
I wince and touch my temple. "Actually...I have a killer headache, I have to-"  
"Cammie!" I look up, I see Cammie look around her shoulder, and see a tall boy stride toward us. His face seems familiar. There is a bell going off crazily in my head but it's so far. Suddenly, everything rushes back to me with such a force that I go cold. It feels as if I have never even took the pills. I remember everything all at once, just as he slips his hand in hers. Just as a see a small glint between their two entwined hands.  
"'Gallagher Academy is not all it seems to be, over a century, this school was founded by Gillian Gallagher. This school is a school for spies, and Josh, Cameron happens to be one.'" I repeat the woman's -Cameron's mom- words. Cameron Morgan is a spy. "Guess Suzie isn't real."


	2. The Wall

_**Disclaimer: We all know who owns, Ally Carter :)  
**_

_**Josh Abrams  
**_Nothing of this day was expected. Nothing. Not the fact that I would not make it to my second mile, or hear voices in my head, or expect to see Cammie. Just two minutes ago, just two, if somebody told me Gallagher Acadamy was a school for female spies, I would have laughed. Laughed and asked if they hit their head too hard somewhere. But at this very moment, I remember everything crystal clear. Cammie jumping off of a roof, entering the grand mansion, walking down to her office. I remember it like it was yesterday. What really boggles my mind though, is why I remember the boy holding Cammie's hand. Why do I remember a face that I swear I don't remember, or didn't meet until now? Questions start flying to my mind and the more they come the more harder it is to process the situation. I feel like a door has opened, or a window. My mind feels so sharp in every place, my senses are key on. Except there is this itch somewhere, inside of me, and I can't scratch it. It is the fact that I can't process what's happening. If my mind feels so sharp, why does it feel slow and muggy? Why can't I completely grasp the pure facts that I know?  
"What...what did you say?" Cammie whispers.  
"Gallagher girl, your a freakin spy for-" The boy snaps, but immediatly stops from the look Cammie gives him. The boy, whom I am going to call unknown because at the moment he is not my most favourite person right now, clears his throat and looks away as a guilty look crosses his face for a second. But then it's gone, he recovers himself.  
"I know Cammie...I remember. I...remember everything, it is so clear now! I remember drinking this tea, this yellow tea and then I started to feel weird..." I start rambling and moving my hands too much. "I know what your school is, I know everything! I remember your mom, and your...man teacher. I know that your school is a school for-" Suddenly a hand clamps around my mouth. It's unknown. I shove his hand away and stare at Cammie, her eyes are wide as the October wind blows her hair in all directions.  
"Okay, we get it, you know. I also assume you know that it is confidential! So watch your mouth. There are 3 security cameras in this small area alone, 2 of them may have speakers. We don't want random citizens to know!"  
I go on as if he did not say a thing, looking at Cammie. "You...your mother...she did something to me! Why? What the...how...you...you lied to me!" I am completely at loss of words. Unknown takes something black out of his pocket, nudges Cammie lightly with his elbow. She turns to him and as if they had spoken for hours, they are completly in sync. I'm not scared of course. Spies are the good guys...aren't they? Besides, I can't be scared with Unknown here. My mind, starts to process everything. Four months ago, I saw Cammie supposedly get "kidnpped." I went to save her despite the fact that she was a lie, saw her in a middle of a "spy" mission and was brought to Gallagher Academy. There, they eplained everything to me. How Cammie was a spy and went to a school for femlale spies. I was given a wonderful tea and declined a ride home. Simple as it sounds, it was not. Because there is this thing in my heart right now, a feeling that I tried to distinguish for four months. But now it's starting to grow because I realize now that she had no choice but to lie to me. She never had a choice to tell me the truth. Cammie is breaking the wall that I put up against her. I can't let that happen. Spy or not, she has to stay behind that wall. She just has to. So while they're whispering, I try to leave.  
"Oh no you don't, we have to go Josh," Cammie says. Instead of being shocked like she was just moments ago, she is completly calm. And Oh how I love the way she says my name. Quickly, she grabs my wrist and in a matter of seconds and we (meaning Cammie, Unknown and I) sprint up the hill. I hammer them with questions like what is going on. Or where we are going. Basically the 5 W's. The only questions they answer are their own and to people I cannot hear. The little black things must be wirless communication units.  
We stop at a curb and Cammie sadly let's go of me. She turns to Unknown who is standing attentive and rather close to Cammie. I chasitise myself for feeling jealous because that means that I too, is helping on breaking the wall.  
"Can somebody please, tell me what is going on!" I say. Cammie turns to me and I am taken back to our first date. When she came walking, more stunning then ever, with a cobweb in her hair. Her eyes were gleaming like as if she was priding herself on something.  
"Josh," Unknown stands beside Cammie and I desparatly want to tell him to maybe take a step away. "Everthing you said was true, but please understand that if I don't get you to the Academy now, you and I will be in a heck of a lot more trouble than before. So please just trust me and go with it." Her eyes are pleading and all in one second, my whole life changes. I nod just as a van skids to a stop and the door swings open.  
"Get in!" a man says. Mr. Salmon, I think. Several other girls and boys are jammed into the van and Cammie drags me in.  
"Miss. Morgan, can you explain to me exactly why you left your partner in a Cove Op. Mission?" Mr. Salmon asks calmly. Unknown looks at Cammie expectantly.  
"Personal reasons." Cammie replies.  
"Learn from Miss. Morgan's mistakes ladies and gentlemen, never leave your partner. Ever." Mr. Salmon says. I hear something in his voice at the end, but from the lack of response from the people in the van, no one heard it. I sit quitely jammed between Cammie and Mr. Salmon.  
"Oh, so this is Josh," one of the girls from the back seat leans forward and rests her chin on the back of the seat. She's pretty and smells like flowers. She bats her long lashes at me. "Tell me, are you secretly-"  
"Tina! Now is not the time!" Cammie snaps. Tina, hearing the seriousness in Cammie's voice, leans back. I am shocked that tone could come out of something so innocent looking. _But she's not_**.** I remind myself. Of course I don't know the real Cammie, I only know the possible part she wanted me to know. I look around and notice a box of tiny communication units, just like the ones Cammie and Unknow used. Possibly everyone in this van. They aren't like the ones where they loop around your ear, they're smaller and more grey than black, I notice. Probably more high-tech, because there is no wire attached to it, nor noticeable speaker. There is also a rip in the old leather under my leg, exposing the yellow spongey stuff, a pine tree air freshener and a small box with dials and wires attached. The van is low quality with a clunky speaker and rough rugs. Not a Gallagher Girl van I assume. The tiniest crack in the window beside the mirror and brown leather seats. Although it is a horrible van, there's something about it. I don't know whether it is the feel it has to it, the sitiation I am in right now, speeding through Roseville to a mansion I have been to before. But I believe it is more. The buildings vanish and what's left are tree's, just a green blur going by. I see in a short distance away, a big and wonderous mansion. Yellow roof tops and big bright windows. As we get closer, I notice a huge wrought-iron gate, a perfectly manicured premises and ivy covered walls. Suddenly, as we drive up to the gates, stop at a guard (which I know is not the only form of security) I am hit with an unexpected fear. _What will happen to me? _Of course in the midst of everything, I did not think about the aftermath. Once we get to the Academy, or if they'll alter my memory again. I beat the delicious tea once, would I be able to do it again? Once through the half a mile long drive-way, Mr. Salmon speaks directly to me.

"Now boy, we are going to bring you to our Headmistress, there we'll figure out what to do with you, right now you are a threat, a weak link to our secret," Mr. Salmon turns away from me, and looks to Unknown and Cammie. "You two will come, as for the rest of you, free time till dinner, since our trip was cut short."

"Oh, their not going to be happy about this, not at all." The man in the passengers seat speaks for the first time. He gets out of the van just as Cammie opens the door. A guard chewing bubblegum chuckles, but does not get out.

I guess there's something terrifying about walking to a mansion full with highly trained female spies. It makes my ego go as small as half a peanut. It is definatly terrifying to be the weak-link, a threat, or to have your ex-girlfriend walking beside you and seeing a side of her that you didn't even know existed. I look at my feet as we enter the warm-air filled mansion. I pretend to stare at the creamy coloured marble tiles, but I side glance at Cammie's hand. She unconsiously used to make small cirlces with her thumb against the back of my hand. I mentally try to re-build the wall that I worked so hard on.

I look up as the others scatter, up the sweeping stairs and through the hallways. All who is left is Mr. Salmon, Unknown and Cammie. I have to at least try to be brave even if I fear my undecided fate. _Click. Click. Click. _Our heals hit the stairs. _Click, click click, click. _I swallow a lump in my throat as girls pass by. They stare at me, look a Cammie and a look of knowing passes their faces. I suddenly feel self-consious in my running uniform, with a red track and field t-shirt, black running shoes and black basketball shorts. I think of my father as we get closer to her office. I told him I was going home, surely he must be worried. It is already near 6:30 and the sun is already setting, I should have been home an hour ago. I think of my dinner just to get rid of the nerves. Sitting on the counter, now cold, waiting for me. Calling my name..._Josh...josh...josh! Eat me...eat me. _My stomach rumbles loudly, so loud I can hear it. We stop infront of big, mahogany doors and I brace myself for whatever may happen. Mr. Salmon knocks on the door and a soft, elderly woman with a strong looking face opens the door.

"Come in, quickly. The girls will be out of class soon, I can smell dinner." Now that she mentions it, I do smell something rather tasty. We are quickly ushered in. Sitting at a big, wooden desk, is a beautiful woman. Cammie's mother. I recognize the bookshelves, pictures and without turning to see, I know there are couches in the corner. There are three other people in here, the woman who opened the door, a man who constantly looks out the window, and Cammie's mom.

"Good evening Joe, Cammie, Zach..and Josh." Cammie's mom, Rachel Morgan, speaks. Zach? Huh-unknown has a name. I nod because I do not trust my voice. "Sit, Josh." She gestures to the seat across from her own on the other side of the desk. I sit down on the comfy red cushion and try not to be intimidated.

"Patricia, could you go find Dr. Sanders please." The old woman who opened the door nods and goes out of the room.

"Josh, I am going to skip the small talk and get staright to the situation. I am told you remember?" she says. I nod once.

"Gallagher Acadamy is a training school for female spies. Founded my Gillian Gallagher in 1865 after she was denied to join the United States Secret Agency because of her gender." I recite. The look on her face probably mirrors mine. It just came to me, I did not have time to think about it because by I already knew them. I clear my throat because the slience it too much for me to handle.

"You already know our history, no need to explain that to you. But what I am really curious about is why you remember. Why you beat our best, to make you forget." She stares at me puzzled, caculating me. I try not to fidgit under her stare. The door opens again, and a voice says, "Excellent!" I know it must be Dr. Sanders. I recognize his voice from the van, and he was the other one person who was invited into the room.

"Dr. Sanders-" Racheal begins.

"Ah, Racheal, do call me Dr. Steve." he says.

"Dr. Steve, if you could, can you explain to us why Mr. Abrams remembers the events that occured last school year?" she says. I turn to look up at him as he walks by my seat.

"It is likely the boy has very excellent memory. There is no other explanation why the tea should not work a sec-" he stops himself immediatly, clears his throat and begins to speak again. "If we were to give him the tea, chances are...he will remember again. The memory is a tricky thing. One can remember advanced math, but forget where they put their keys or sunglasses. I believe that remembering this part of Josh's life is too important to him, that he is not willing to forget it. You cannot force someone to forget, just as you cannot make yourself forget. The boy has remarkable memory, I say!"

_You cannot make yourself forget. _I repeat. My stomach growls and I pray they make a desision soon. I need...I need to know what I will be doing tomorrow. Where I will be, and what I will know.

"Hmm, interesting. We need to make a desision, and I only have some say in it. Cameron, can you please escort Josh out and wait on the bench outside." I stand up and turn around, walking to the door to stand by Cammie.

"What about Zach?" She asks. She gesture to Zach, who I still would like to call Unknown. But it's unnessicary.

"He stays," Racheal says. Cammie opens the door, and I follow her out. She has a look of contempt on her face and I think it is because of me. She leads me to a small wooden bench and sits down gingerly. I sit beside her and we look at eachother. _The wall, she has to stay behind it._ Her blonde hair cascades down her back and her eyebrows are furrowed in concentration. I look at her the same way, I study this Cammie, spy Cammie. The Cammie who can jump off buildings and other things that I don't know. I wonder if the Cammie I got to know is in there, the Cammie with a cat named Suzie and parents who home school her.

I ask the thing that has been bugging me forever, "Who are you?"

She shifts uncomfortably on the bench and clears her throat. I give her a moment to think about because it is not a question that can be answered lightly. Not anymore.

"I am Cameron Morgan. CIA legacy, The Chameleon, the girl no one sees if...she does not want to be seen. Josh, I am different people all the time." she answers.

"But who _are_ _you?"_ I ask again.

"Josh, I am a spy. I am trained to be somebody new all the time, trained to act and talk like the person I am trying to be. The truth is, I don't know who I am." She looks down at her feet and is silent for a moment.

"Are you the girl I got to know?" I whisper.

"Yes, in a way...yes." She snaps her head up at the door and groans. "It is so unfair that he gets to be in there!" I assume she is talking about unknown-I mean...Zach.

"Hey, if this is an all girls school, why are there boys here?" I ask.

"Because the boys are here from another spy school for the school year..." she says, looking back to the ground. I nod, understanding.

"Blackthorne, right?" I ask. She quickly looks up at me.

"You knew about Blackthorne before me..." she says. The look on her face is hilarious. It's a mix of surprise, anger and jealousness. I can't help but to laugh. I'm not sure what it is, but she joins. Maybe it's the contagiousness, or maybe it's because of the pure ridiculousness that I knew something secret that she did not know.

"You laugh like an angel." I comment. She sighs as her laughs subside. At that very moment, the door swings open and Zach walks out. Cammie looks up and immediatly gets off the bench.

"What's going on?" she asks. He looks down at her, and for a moment I feel completely jealous. He stands so close to her, with his hands in his pocket and shoulder hunched over. I also stand up, hoping to take some of her attention away from him. But just as I do so, he chooses to start talking, making all her attention go on him.

"What's going on is, dinner." There's no bell to signal lunch, just a loud noise. It's quite odd for a bell. Mr. Salmon walks out along with Racheal who usheres us back in. As the door starts to close, I notice that the sound was not all a bell, nor a sign to signal dinner. It was tons of girls, all coming out of which ever room they were in, and making their way towards dinnner.

"Josh, sit again." I take a seat in the seat in the chair with the red cushion. "Josh, we have decided, it would be best for you to stay the night for reasons that I cannot explain to you at this very moment. I will make arrangements for you tonight while you eat dinner in the Grand Hall with Cammie."

I feel sick again, like when my memory was trying to come back to me.

"What?" I ask as my stomach drops to the floor, still aching due to the empitiness.

"You will have to stay the night, I have decided that the tea is not an option. I will have further decisions for you tomorrow, I can arrange you to sleep somewhere," she says.

"Can't...can't I just go...go home?" I ask.

She raises an eyebrow at me, and I swear I can her Zach trying to stirffle a laugh. I ignore him though.

"We cannot just let you walk out here with our biggest secret, you can go down to dinner with Zach and Cameron. We will take care of your parents."

There's times in my life where I could jump out a window. Or hit something so hard. But at the same time I could just jump with overwhelming happieness. This is one of those times. I imagine myself walking down to have dinner with tons of girls, whom are stronger and more advanced than I am, sitting down with my ex-girlfriend and an oaf who they call Zach. My stomach feels like I am falling at a great distance and the only thing I can grasp is thin air, hurlting down...down...down. Dinner with spies in training? Dinner with my ex-girlfriend, who is a spy in training? No. No. No.

I nod, because I do not know how to decline. I get up and for the third time in my life, I walk out of her office. But this time, Cammie in the lead and Zach behind me. Leading me to a certain death. Well, maybe i'm over exagering.

"Don't worry, I got you," Cammie smiles at me and I hit the back of my hand against hers.

"Thanks." I return the smile. Zach, standing at Cammie's other side asks if she handed in her cow assigment. Cow assignment? They had to do an assignment on cows? I frown and when she says she finished it by herself and didn't ask Jonas for help, I realize what he did. _He's trying to show me something. Trying to show me that he knows her better than I do. Clever asshole._ I think. As we go down the stairs, I am hit with a thought. Cammie is not the one trying to break down the wall. I am.

* * *

_**A/N; Ollo! WOOOOH FOR THE 3,000 WORDS! AWWWWYEAAH! I'll try to do more next time.**_

_**I try to update as soon an I can. Sorry if I got some stuff wrong xD **_

_**Like the Mr. Salmon part? Aye, aye, aye? ^.^**_

_**Well, Please review BECAUSE IT IS MOTIVATION TO UPDATE AS SOON AS I CAN! I am at the moment writing two stories, so be patient with me :)**_

_**Like it? Love it? Hate it (*sad spongebob face*)? Constructive criticism is welcome!**_


	3. Sorry

I am sorry to say that I am discontinuing this story. I am writing a new one I'm calling, "Divine like the Wolves." I use animals in the title for this story because it has a reason. Sorry you couldn't find out why the story was called My Dear Raven. But my new story is basically the same thing except I changed it up a bit and I wanted a fresh start. If you want the first chapter will be up soon and you can check it out. Thanks :)


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